


cold

by ivylikeveins



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Instability, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivylikeveins/pseuds/ivylikeveins
Summary: Hinata feels very, very cold when he crashes into Kageyama's place at midnight.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 10
Kudos: 180





	cold

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: self-harm  
> don't read if you're easily emotionally affected

Hinata’s nails on his face always feel like salvation. 

They’re… not enjoyable. Not at all. 

First, they hurt. Bad. So bad. There isn’t enough force to pierce skin and draw out warm liquid beneath that means he is alive though, not usually. Alive. Organs working. Heart beating. Blood pumping. 

Is he, though? Is he, really? 

His skull weighs a thousand pounds.

Instead, what he’s left with is trials of scarlet streaks all over his cheeks and forehead that feel like are made of raw flames when his tears fell into their cavities. Fuck, it burns. So much. 

He knows it’s not really efficient for him to do it on his face. But he’s scared of pain. His thighs are so soft for that. Arms, too. They hurt like hell. Fuck, he remembers doing it on his thighs once. 

He doesn’t like it. At all. 

But they make him _feel._

Not too much, though. Never too much. He can’t handle too much, and hence, his face. On top of his cheekbones, usually. Wherever the skin is closest to the bones. 

There, the pain is enough for him to distract himself from the knots in his brain. It’s a coping mechanism, really. But what else can he do. 

He stands outside of his house at eleven forty-seven pm. He forgot a jacket. Fuck, it’s cold. 

It’s freezing. 

But it feels… refreshing, kinda. It tames the streaks of fire all over his cheeks. Though it’s kind of like an icy slap to his wet face, too. 

Hinata doesn’t know how to feel about that. 

So he stands there for God knows how long. It’s snowing softly. Hah. That’s funny. 

He wonders if it’ll stay. Maybe if it snows the whole night, he might wake up to a pearly landscape. Kageyama might call him to come outside, then. He knows he loves when it snows. 

He’ll do anything to make him happy. 

He swallows. 

_Kageyama._

And pulls his phone out.

It rings three times before Kageyama answers. 

“Sho? Is that you? Did something happen, baby?” His soft voice is slurred and thick. Fuck, Hinata woke him up. Oh no, no no no no no. Damn it. Kageyama needs the sleep.

Kageyama deserves better than this.

He swallows again, nonetheless. “C-can I come over?”

The line on the other side goes silent for a few seconds, and there’s rustling. Kageyama’s fully awake now when he speaks. “Of-of course! I’m here baby. I love you. Do you need me to come pick you up? Calm down, sweetheart. I’m here waiting for you."

He’s worried, but he’s trying to stay calm. He’s afraid of scaring Hinata any further. Fuck, Hinata hates that. So much. He shouldn’t have called Kageyama. He should’ve left him alone. 

Kageyama deserves better than this.

But now he’s called him, and if he just tells Kageyama to _nevermind, I’m okay, go back to sleep,_ then Hinata knows it’ll eat Kageyama alive. He can’t do that to him. He can’t.

So he swallows, again. “Okay.” 

His voice feels like it tears his throat apart to break free from his compressed lungs and out of his mouth.

Hinata doesn’t overthink that. If he does, then he might not even reach Kageyama’s door. And his warm arms around him. His warm, solid chest to bury his face. His warmth.

He shivers again when a new wave of cold wind harshly snakes around his thin body and starts walking. His every step rustles the newly-forming snow beneath. 

He doesn’t have to ring the doorbell when he arrives at Kageyama’s place. The door is swung open as soon as he steps foot into the pavement. His foot almost slips on the ice that has formed there, nearly making him fall down. 

It takes him some time to regain his balance. Thankfully, Kageyama’s there.

He’s always there. 

And he deserves better than always having to take care of a mess. 

Hinata feels guilty.

Kageyama runs into him and yanks Hinata into his arms. He’s trying to be gentle, but Hinata knows he can’t help it. 

Hinata melts when Kageyama presses him deep, deep into his chest. 

He’s warm.

And Kageyama’s kissing all over the top of his head before pulling back the tiniest bit. Hinata can see the overwhelming worry softening his handsome features even in the dark, only illuminated by the dead yellow of the streetlights. “Sho- Shouyou! W-what- What happened?! Who did this to you- did you- tell me you didn’t do it yourself!” 

Hinata is confused. What?

“Oh, baby…” But then, Kageyama’s fingertips are softly trailing over the burning streaks across his cheeks. Oh. He’s noticed. 

Fuck. Hinata was kind of hoping he wouldn’t. 

He’s… so close to unravelling. He wants to sob into Kageyama’s safe chest. Wants him to never let go. He wants to tell him- _everything._

But… he feels nothing -other than the cold. He’s just -cold. And empty. And blank.  
Like a lacuna made out of ice. 

So he blurts out. “It’s really cold today.” His voice is like a croak. It’s so ugly. “Look how much I’m shivering.”

But Kageyama is beautiful bathed in the streetlight. He deserves so much better than this. 

Better than him. 

But Kageyama hugs him even tighter. 

“Come here, baby, let’s go inside. I’ll warm you up. Shh. It’s okay.”

Kageyama doesn’t ask what happened. 

He just waits, silent, and kisses Hinata. All over. It’s almost like- like- some sort of weird, comforting worshipping. 

They’re tucked in Kageyama’s sheets. Hinata notices the sheets are still warm from Kageyama sleeping there. It’s pleasant -but in a sad kind of way. 

Their limbs are entangled together. Hinata’s face pressed into Kageyama’s chest. There’s a hand in his head; fingers tangled in locks of hair and burying his head so deep, so securely to the lovely chest before him.

Kageyama’s shushing him, telling everything’s alright. 

And, Hinata thinks for the first time in what feels like eternities, it just might be. 

He doesn’t remember when he’s started speaking.

“…and I wonder if it’s- if it’s really worth it. Acting like nothing is wrong and maybe even believing it to the point where all the lies collapse on top of me. I can’t breathe, Kageyama.

“I-I-“ he swallows, his throat is too tight and dry. Kageyama notices this, and reaches his nightstand for a bottle of water. He helps Hinata drink it. Hinata continues. His voice is shaking.

“I think about…bad things. Scary things. Very, very scary things. Today, I almost gave in.” He doesn’t miss the way Kageyama’s bigger body tenses underneath him. Hinata’s doesn’t like it. He tries to comfort, but it’s a sad attempt.

“B-but..! There’s you. If there’s something that terrifies me more than myself, it is the thought of losing you. I-“ His lower lip is shaking uncontrollably. Kageyama is silent. “I-I-I can’t, Kageyama! The thought of waking up one day and not seeing you terrifies me _so much._ Even- even if I don’t wake up, that if I actually give in and there’s darkness and-“ he swallows, and whispers the next part; his voice isn’t strong enough. “You’re the only thing that matters.” 

Kageyama’s arms tighten around him, but he doesn’t speak. Not yet, and lets Hinata continue. “Being left without you- That- I can’t. I love you so much.”

“And…you. It’s the only thing that matters. You’re my safe room, ‘Yama. You calm me down enough for me to pull myself together as much as I can and say _No. You can’t live without him._ ” 

Hinata pauses. 

“But he can’t live without you, either.” 

Kageyama lets him continue. Because if he interrupts Hinata, he might break. 

So, he continues.

“T-there’s this image of you in my head that flashes before my eyes every time I feel like I’ve lost hope completely. How bright you smile when you’re with me. How happy you are to make me happy. And then- and then-“ Hinata starts sobbing. His headache is turning really, really painful.

“And then you’re blue, and so cold, and you never get out of bed or shower and you feel like suffocating and now all of the burden in my shoulders and squeezing my lungs so hard is yours. That thought makes me want to vomit.” He lifts his face to look at Kageyama in the eyes, then. Resting his cheek to Kageyama’s chest. It must be digging too hard; his chin is kind of boney. He hopes it doesn’t annoy Kageyama. 

He whispers. “I can’t do that to you.”

And when they make eye contact, Hinata realises, that Kageyama’s crying, too. 

Hinata’s heart shatters into pieces. 

He holds Kageyama’s face in his shaking hands. His palms are sweaty against Kageyama’s wet cheeks. Kageyama holds him tighter. 

“I am never, ever leaving you. You’re the only thing that keeps me going. Because if I don’t and take the easy way out…I am leaving all these thoughts and darkness and hopeless cold to burden you. I love you so, so much, Kageyama.” 

Kageyama opens his mouth to speak, but only a pathetic sob comes out. 

He tries again. “I love you too, baby. So much.” 

And Hinata’s tears stop burning his face. 

They don’t hurt anymore. 

Hinata feels his big, warm hands slip under his shirt to rest between his cold shoulder blades. He’s rubbing Hinata’s back, so gently, to warm him up. It’s so nice. 

But then, Kageyama’s hand pauses right on top of where the hard bones of his spine bump his skin. 

“You’re eating, right, baby? Please tell me you do. Please.” Kageyama’s voice is shaking. Fuck, he’s noticed how tightly the skin is stretched from bone to bone. A fresh wave of warm tears run down Hinata’s cold cheeks. It’s ridiculous, honestly; how the stubborn tears are able to escape eyes shut so tight. 

He doesn’t want to lie to him. Even though it pains him so much. “…sometimes.” His voice is muffled from being pressed to Kageyama’s warm chest so hard by the big hand caressing his scalp.

Kageyama sobs into his hair. 

“Are you hungry? I can- I can make something for you? Hm?” He’s kissing all over Hinata’s gross hair -he hasn’t showered in days- and Hinata wants to pull back because he doesn’t want Kageyama to feel gross by kissing his gross hair. But it feels so, so warm in his arms. 

Kageyama’s voice is so, so soft and words pour out of his mouth so fast as he desperately tries to make the idea of eating appealing to Hinata. (It makes Hinata want to scream.) “I-I think I have some leftover takeout in the fridge - I-, shit, I-I’m sorry it’s nothing healthier-“ 

Hinata nods into his chest. He’ll throw up if he tries to eat anything -his system has stopped accepting food long ago-, but he knows if he tries to eat it’ll make Kageyama happy. 

Kageyama smiles, and Hinata feels the stutter of his heartbeat against his chest. Kageyama’s happy. 

The big body wrapped around him shifts as Kageyama attempts to move -he’s trying to stand up to make Hinata food. 

Hinata panics he’s leaving, even though he’s not. He’s not.

He’s not... right?

Kageyama feels Hinata tense beneath his arms. He shushes him, comforting, and takes Hinata in his arms as he stands up.

He’s carrying Hinata to the kitchen like he weighs nothing. 

Hinata really should eat more. 

He buries his face in the crook of Kageyama’s neck, nose resting where his sharp jaw meets his collarbones. 

He lets Kageyama move however he wants without putting him down. Hinata’s thin arms are tight around his neck. Legs around his waist. 

Hinata feels like a koala. 

He sees some cheese from the corner of his blurred eyes. Some bread. Tomatoes. A lot of lettuce; Kageyama knows he loves lettuce. There’s a little bit of ham, too. Only a little, though; the sudden intake of fat will hurt Hinata's tummy if it’s too much. Then he’ll throw up.

_Oh god, please, don’t make me throw up food Kageyama made for me. I beg you._

There’s no guarantee. When is there, really?

His tired, swollen eyelids weigh heavier and heavier each passing second. 

He’s exhausted. 

Well, he’s always exhausted- but this time, he’s safe, too. Warm. 

So maybe, just _maybe,_ he can sleep.

In his lover’s arms. 

His words are nothing but a slurred mumble when his lips move on their own before his consciousness drifts away. “Kageyama?”

“Y-yeah?”

“I’m warm now.”


End file.
